No Shit! There I was…

To be brutally honest with you: Your co-workers probably couldn’t care less about the boring details of your life. But even so, here are five things that you should never tell them . . .

#1.) YOUR SALARY. This is just not a good idea at all. People are petty, petty sheep. You never know who may box you out because they’re jealous of the money you’re making.

#2.) COMPLAINTS ABOUT WORK. Would you want to hang with someone who was constantly complaining about work? Probably not. Keep all the issues you have about your job to yourself.

#3.) GOSSIP. If you’re gossiping with a co-worker . . . I’m guessing they’ll have absolutely no problem turning around and gossiping to others about YOU. So unless you’re cool with that . . . steer clear of this nonsense.

#4.) NAUGHTY DETAILS OF YOUR PERSONAL LIFE. It may be fun to talk about who you got-it-on with over the weekend . . . or how drunk you were . . . but it’ll make you look really irresponsible.

#5.) LIFESTYLE CHANGES. Divorces . . . breakups . . . baby-making plans . . . or anything like this. Remember: NO ONE CARES. Even if they ask you about this stuff, keep it short and to the point.

(AOL Jobs)

WTF!!  Dont even think about taking out anything from my paycheck….    It my money NOT YOURS!
Excerpt:

In a day dominated by familiar stump speeches, Hillary Clinton made news by saying she might allow workers’ wages to be garnisheed if they refuse to buy health insurance. She has criticized Obama for pushing a health plan that she says would not require universal coverage.

Pressed on how she would enforce her mandate, Clinton said: “I think there are a number of mechanisms” that are possible, including “going after people’s wages, automatic enrollment.”

She said such measures would apply only to workers who can afford health coverage but refuse to buy it, which puts undue pressure on hospitals and emergency rooms. Under her plan, she said, health care “will be affordable for everyone” because she would limit premium payments “to a low percent of your income.”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080203/ap_on_el_pr/campaign_rdp;_ylt=Ah48pvxZ0DVYJwUxh_yCWzOyFz4D/

• --You can be the rare outsider in a conversation about how unfunny Jack Black is.
• –You’re unaffected by the writers’ strike because you’ve been laughing your butt off at the same episode of “Good Times” since 1978.
• –If there’s nothing good on TV, you can just stare at your hand.
• –Instead of just jumping on in, you arrive at cocaine abuse organically.
• –The fact that Alzheimer’s runs in your family doesn’t affect you in the least.
• –We’re on the brink of nuclear war with Iran and you could care freakin’ less!
• –The thought of getting glaucoma doesn’t scare you like it does others.
• –Every now and then, the CEO of Funyuns calls to thank you for your business.
• –The only fight you will ever be in will be a virtual one on a video game machine.
• –You’ll never feel like a gluttonous slob for eating an entire KFC bowl.
• –You can recite the lines to every “Simpsons” episode.
• –If you win a trip to Western Europe, there’s no need to waste time wondering where you’d visit.
• –The lyrics to every Grateful Dead song make sense.
• –The ability to use the phrase “No worries, bro” without people looking at you weird.
• –You can feel secure knowing you’re helping the Guatemalan economy by buying all those footbags.
• –You’ve got a much better shot of landing a girl who doesn’t shave. What’s hotter than that?
• –You can listen to Bob Marley for nine hours straight without realizing all the songs pretty much sound the same.
• –You can impress friends with your four-hour discourse about why “The Big Lebowski” is the greatest work in cinematic history.
• –When a friend asks for the time and you tell him it’s 4:20, he’s required to give you a high-five and a bong hit.
• –No stress from trying to move up the corporate ladder at Best Buy . . . you’re just happy being a cashier.
• –You’re utterly free of anyone ever COUNTING ON YOU FOR ANYTHING!
• –You take great pride in the fact that at least you’re not an alcoholic.
• –You never get busted for DUI because you don’t drink . . . and you don’t have the motivation to get off of the couch.

Recently my wife asked me,  how much do you love me?

As a slightly out of touch coder, i’m not too sure how to answer that.  My first thought was creating a subroutine, ” for i = 1 next i  to infinity”  or something like that.  then I thought, No Stupid! she wants you to say something simple and clever.

Well I think I said something along the lines of;  here I’ll show you…  pass me a knife will ya… as I pretended to open my shirt to expose my heart.  It got a chuckle, but it wasn’t the dashing and smooth statement I wanted to make.

Well, In google I trust, so off I went in search of cute or funny romantic one liners.  here’s what I found;

• My nostrils ache for your singular funk.
• “I love you and let’s get married and HOLY SHIT YOU’RE MOVING IN WITH ME IN TWO WEEKS I GOTTA DO LAUNDRY SHIT and GET GROCIERSIES SHIUT SHIT SHTI btw I love you”
• I love you so much that I’d shave my balls for you, except I don’t wanna, so don’t ask me.
• “You’re like bacon—you make everything better.”
• “I’ll never smother you for money.”
• Four years.
  Can you believe
  we’ve been together that long?
  It’s hard to even remember
  what things were like before you.
  All I know for sure is
  I had a lot more room for pizzas and ice cream.
  And look at you.
  You haven’t aged a day.
  And your make-up is still perfect.
  I love you, head in my freezer.
• “You are the onion ring in my order of french fries”
• “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand.”
• “You’re everything that is beautiful about the world. Thank you for every moment, my love.”
• “You are a pearl on a beach full of pebbles, and even if it were a beach full of pearls I would still know you when I found you.”
• “Your hands do the work of 10,000 highly trained lesbian jumping beans”
• “You move with the elegance of a fiery wall of disintegrating fuselage”
• I love you sooo much I’m gonna push you over!

Here are some additional valid statements  that I plan to try out to see how they work:

“Why do you love me?”

1. Your hair
2. You said “Yes”
3. You’ll do for now.
4. I could have done a lot worse.
5. You have decent personal hygeine
6. No unibrow
7. You tell me when I have “bats in the cave”
8. Because nobody else would put up with me
9. We like some of the same stuff
10. I’ve grown accustomed to your face.

ATTENTION WOMEN:  This is a friendly suggestion from a “typical” guy….   Throw us a hint!!!!!!!!   How about saying,  “Honey, do you love me enough to smile?”  See,  we can answer that one without missing a beat!!   So for God’s sake, use that one, see,  everyone’s happy there is peace in the world and we can just keep surfing the net without any problems. 

If you have any suggestions or one liners that will work, please post them below.

Thanks

According to Dr. David Lewis, a psychologist in England, the stress that men experience during Christmas shopping is about the same as the stress a police officer feels . . . when he’s dealing with a RIOTING MOB.

–For women, it’s the opposite. Shopping . . . even hectic Christmas shopping . . . is a form of stress RELIEF.

–Lewis says that these are differences that have evolved over CENTURIES. Men are hunters, who like to make a quick kill and go home. Women are gatherers, and like to head off for a day to search for the best food they can find.

Chuck has indeed chosen our next president. And if you would like to avoid a SPINNING BACKFIST TO THE FACE, I advise you to vote with him.

–Chuck’s choice is. . . MIKE HUCKABEE. Here’s Chuck breaking down the Republican field for you. . .

–He says, quote, “Like most of you, over the summer and into the fall, I’ve been watching, listening, studying and praying about who could lead this country as our next president. I won’t leave you in suspense.

–”Though Giuliani might be savvy enough to lead people, Fred Thompson wise enough to wade through the tides of politics, McCain tough enough to fight terrorism and Romney business-minded enough to grow our economy. . .

–”I believe the only one who has all of the characteristics to lead America forward into the future is ex-Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.”

OK, normally I would never post something like this, but I had one of those wtf moments.

This is totally unbelievable, apparently scientist have been able to reproduce the scent of a vagina!  and now they’ve bottled it and are selling it!!

Ok, technically it’s not supposed to be a perfume. But VULVA is supposed to smell like, well, pussy. A team of European scientist have managed to pinpoint and capture the smell of vagina, and they’re bottling it for sell as VULVA Original.

It’s intended for guys who are working it alone and wanted a little authentic aroma to help the cause, or women to dab on and intensify their own smell. I’m assuming they’re based their smell on a nice clean healthy vagina. Whatever the case they’re marketing geniuses. Just take a look at these ads for VULVA. Nice. Just dab a little on and you’ve got a whole new take on “smell my finger”.

Here is the link to the article.

If you click more you will see one of the ads for them….   warning  possibly NSFW…  kinda sexy though,  worth seeing. Read more »

Here are some fundamental rules, not to become filthy rich, but live a comfortable life.
1. For return on investment, the best home renovation is to upgrade an old bathroom. Kitchens come in second.

2. It’s worth refinancing your mortgage when you can cut your interest rate by at least one point.

3. Spend no more than 2 1/2 times your income on a home. For a down payment, it’s best to come up with at least 20%

4. Your total housing payments should not exceed 28% of your gross income. Total debt payments should come in under 36%

5. Never hire a roofer, driveway paver or chimney sweep who is going door to door.

6. All else being equal, the best place to invest is a 401(k). Once you’ve earned the full company match, max out a Roth IRA. Still have money to invest? Put more in your 401(k) or a traditional IRA.

7. To figure out what percentage of your money should be in stocks, subtract your age from 120.

8. Invest no more than 10% of your portfolio in your company stock - or any single company’s stock, for that matter.

9. The most you should pay in annual fees for a mutual fund is 1% for a large-company stock fund, 1.3% for any other type of stock fund and 0.6% for a U.S. bond fund.

10. Aim to build a retirement nest egg that is 25 times the annual investment income you need.

11. If you don’t understand how an investment works, don’t buy it.

12. If you’re not saving 10% of your salary, you aren’t saving enough.

13. Keep three months’ worth of living expenses in a bank savings account or a high-yield money-market fund for emergencies. If you have kids or rely on one income, make it six months’.

14. Aim to accumulate enough money to pay for a third of your kids’ college costs. You can borrow the rest or use some of your income to help out when your child is in college.

15. You need enough life insurance to replace at least five years of your salary – as much as 10 years if you have several young children or significant debts.

16. When you buy insurance, choose the highest deductible you can afford. It’s the easiest way to lower your premium.

17. The best credit card is a no-fee rewards card that you pay in full every month. But if you carry a balance, high-interest rates will wipe out the benefits.

18. The best way to improve your credit score is to pay bills on time and to borrow no more than 30% of your available credit.

19. Anyone who calls or e-mails you asking for your Social Security number or information about your bank or credit card account is a scam artist.

20. The best way to save money on a car is to buy a late-model used car and drive it until it’s junk. A car loses 30% of its value in the first year.

21. Lease a new car or truck only if you plan to replace it within two or three years.

22. Resist the urge to buy the latest computer or other gadget as soon as it comes out. Wait three months and the price will be lower.

23. Buy airline tickets early because the cheapest fares are snapped up first. Most seats go on sale 11 months in advance.

24. Don’t redeem frequent flier miles unless you can get more than a dollar’s worth of air fare or other stuff for every 100 miles you spend.

25. When you shop for electronics, don’t pay for an extended warranty. One exception: It’s a laptop and the warranty is from the manufacturer.

I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,

And Then when you start work, you get a

gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you

get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no

responsibilities, you become a baby, and then…

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in

spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters

every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

1 Any stories about ex-boyfriends, even ones told against the poor blokes. If your ex was a violent, brainless, tattooed ex-con, this will only make us feel boring and unmanly. And scared.

2 The phrase ‘I’d say it’s bang-on average, if not slightly bigger’. Best to steer clear of the size issue. Like us talking about your weight, it can only lead to misunderstanding and hurt.

3 Obsessive accounts of your diet and exercise regime. Men like skinny women, true. But they dislike being exposed to the borderline eating disorders and pathological obsessiveness that produce them. And curvy and sane always beats mad and thin. Eventually.

4 The accusing phrase, ‘What’s wrong with the blue dress, then?’ after we have said we like the red one.

5 Any details of your day at work. Although men can find the most basic things endlessly fascinating - the number of buttons on their shirts, farting - they will suddenly develop ADD when it comes to your professional life. Unless you are a porn actress. No, actually, even then…

6 Any information about things you thought about buying. We are perfectly happy to admire actual purchases, but yearning for those phantom shoes/dress/bag exasperates us.

7 Stories about other men patronising you. This will give us an irresistible urge to ruffle your hair and say in a kids-TV voice, ‘Awww, did dey? Did dey do dat to oo?’ I know, sometimes we’re asking for trouble.

8 The word ‘Fine’ as a stand-alone sentence. The scariest syllable in the female vocabulary.

9 The sound of weeping. It destroys us.

10 Any details of strife you may be having with your female friends. The endless round of hurt and rapprochement that constitutes girls’ friendships mystifies us. If she’s that much trouble just delete her from your bloody mobile.

11 The phrase, ‘Hang on, I’ll just reply to this text before we order’. We want first claim on your attention, woman.

12 The phrase, ‘Can you turn over, you’re snoring’. Great, that’s both of us awake.

13 The words ‘Am I special? Am I?’ Especially if you are drawing a circle around our nipple with your finger at the time.

14 Anyone else’s name, in your sleep.

15 Your dreams. Unless we’re in them. And in a good light, too. If not, save ‘em for the shrink.

These were originally posted by :

Mick Hunter
The Observer
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/